XS: Better time

It's the weirdest relationship ever. You- with all your sacrifices, with all those 'fighting until the death' and 'forever by your side' stuff- inside you know you're hating him. Your boss who always insults you, who beats you.

You admired him from the beginning. You're with him because of your industrion- and curiousness. You believed he could become the tenth, you believed in his power, his abilities as a boss of the Varia.
You believed that there's no possibility anyone of you could lose; especially when you saw them- band of freshmen, little brats, with offended pride, all so-can't-waited for their fights. You laugh so hard, so long, so breathless.

Understanding came too late- when you've lost to the katana brat. You felt his determination, you felt his unimaginable power, even if deprived of any swordsman basics.
And later that kid. Tiny, scared but full of seriousness and dignity, what was absolutely adorable against amused and self-confident boss'. Xanxus was always noticeable, famous, spoilt. His furious aura was sensed from everywhere. Brown-eyed kid was different. Inconspicuous, a little passionless, he hasn't such dreams as Xanxus dreamed about. The kid looked like he was there by a coincidence.
With fear but not without a satisfaction you'd seen your invincible boss' downfall. Even if the only man you were taking into account were losing; even your horrified eyes- deep inside you were amused.
Until now there was none who would dare to challenge to a duell the ninth's son. At last someone kicked Xanxus' ass and hurt his huge ego. At last that fucking kid did the thing you've been waiting for so long. For damn ten years or so.

Because with all your sacrifices, with all those 'fighting until the death' and 'forever by your side' you're hating him. And still with all your hatred you love him( love is too literal  word). You love him( love is too incapacitating) because there's none in this fucked world who could hurt you so much and you can't repaid.
With all your hatred and love( love is too great word) you're happy when that fight is over.

Later you're not so content when hardly breathing Xanxus grabs your bright hair and locks both of you in his apartment. Later Varia members may hear dull noises. It continues until your boss goes out, smirking.


You're lying there, on the floor, eyes closed, your chest moves slowly. Blood drips from your(again)opened wounds. Your body hurts; no, your whole existence hurts. Your hatred is painful. And then you call your love stupid and useless, yes, it's that time.
You're lying there for a while- later you get up and unnoticed you move into your room, to the bathroom.
Water is cold and brings you relief. After you removed those bandages Dino and his people've put on you when they took you into the hospital you feel the greatest pain ever.
The pain tells you that there's no hope for such freaked up person as you. You may run away but you wade too far and there's no turning back.  From the beginning you used to believe he needs you: your skills and your body. Then you started to love him.
Water is cold and it's really refreshing. You finish bathing and dress up; thought that numbness evaporates with the wetness amuses you.

Even if you're so exhausted your moans are loud and heard in the building. You're sure boss is smiling. He likes that sound, he loves that he's entitled to be your executioner,  to make you suffer.

You know that. So you scream. So you give him quiet permission to make you feel that way. Does he know it's controlled?
Is it under control? You can say it aloud; he became your personal god. You think everything he does is right, but it isn't.

But you don't want to make a belief. Because god's era falls in the right time. In the right time god disappears. In the right time believer stops praying.
But not yet.

Now time is not so alright.
Now it's time for you to get up. When Xanxus' voice orders you to 'bring here your fucking ass'. Timing for you to force hall's length; for your crawling pride; for you to be his and for make him satisfied.

Now it's time of the naked bodies, your long hair, now disheveled because his hands running through, for faster breaths.
The perfect time for your screams so loved by Xanxus, for his fitful moans.

When you put on your garments skin is still warm and full of  mark of his lust. He never pays attention how you feel or if everything's okay. But he always makes you cum. It's his sick priority; no matter you're bleeding; no matter you beg him to stop. He never lets you until you come.

So it happens now too. He signs your skin with scratches and bruises. He's not beating you but his strong harmful hands are sometimes worse than any opponent you were fighting with during your swordsman's career though.

When you are done he touches your beautiful hair. He looks at you like nothing's happened before and you take pleasure in his careful, for one special moment, touches. Then he turns back and lets you all alone.

Now everything you can do is to wait. For the god to fall(you know the last fight changed something).For the believer to stop praying. For you to stop loving.

You know that time will come. But not now.
Now you cling to his back as always after the sex. He's sleeping and you fall asleep too.

Right time will come. You'll be the winner. You'll win your life; your being.

But now you're sleeping and you don't realize that Xanxus watches you under his almost closed eyelids and smiles a little. Maybe sarcastic, maybe sadly. Now he observes you and you sleep. As always . Sometimes you're an observer and he's the one who sleeps. But you're not able to sleep nor observe each other at the same moment.

Maybe you'll realize he has a feeling for you. Maybe he'll realize that his own pet, guardian, lover, protector- that you're the one he wants the most, the one who's needed the most, the one he really doesn't want to make suffer. So he pray you'd wake up and open the eyes.
But you don't. You're sleeping so he touches your face with all possible delicacy and says 'Goodnight Squalo'.

Probably you'll never realize that your god is more human than you'd ever imagine; he feels too and he isn't so huge as he wants everyone to believe he's.

Don't worry.

Maybe someday your god will fall right into your arms and you'll quit praying and he'll have no rights to manipulate you. Maybe someday both of you'll be able to talk to each other.
But now you're silent and lost in the world of dreams where no goddess, believers, pain nor misunderstanding exist.

Right now is right now. After the right now you'll wake up, hold Xanxus more possessively and let him do with you whatever he wants.

And you wait and look what's going to happen.
And you pray for the better time.